Post by spideyfan914 on Jan 30, 2010 19:11:01 GMT -6
This is based off a webcomic I used to write. In other words, I'm bored and need something to do.
INT. LIVING ROOM
BOB is sitting slouched in an armchair, mouth slightly open (drool dripping out), eyes lazily staring at the TV. A monkey, BIPPY, walks down the stairs in the background, goes over to Bob, takes one look at the TV, then turns to Bob.
BIPPY
We have a new mission.
Bob keeps staring at the TV, completely ignoring Bippy.
BIPPY
Bob? Hello? Anyone home?
Bob lazily waves Bippy away without turning. Bippy, clearly annoyed, walks up to the TV and turns it off.
BIPPY (yelling)
Bob!
Bob continues to stare at the blank TV without shifting position. Bippy, frustrated walks into the kitchen. When he returns a minute later, Bob is still in the same position. Bippy dumps a bucket of cold water over Bob's head, and Bob leaps into the air.
BOB
Coldcoldcoldcoldcold!!!!
BIPPY
We have a new mission.
BOB
Sweet!
NARRATOR
Bob, an incredibly lame detective with an IQ of 80, and Bippy, the supersmart intergalactic spacemonkey, team up to form the kick-butt team known only as Bob and Bippy!
BOB (sneezing)
So what's the mission?
BIPPY
Some new supervillain took over a nuclear missile pad and is threatening to blow up half of New York if he isn't given absolute control of something or another.
BOB
Eiha?
BIPPY
No, a new villain.
BOB
Suh-phinx?
BIPPY
No, a new villain.
BOB
Vanilla?
BIPPY
You had to go there....
EXT. NUCLEAR PAD
Bob and Bippy approach the gate, and an armed GUARD stops them.
GUARD
State your name and purpose.
BIPPY
Hi, I'm -
GUARD
Oh my god! A talking monkey! You can go.
INT. NUCLEAR PAD
A villain lurks in the shadows, his face obscured.
They told me I was crazy.... They told me I was mad.... They told me I was insane.... They told me I was out of my mind.... They told me I was wonkers.... They told I was dropped on my head.... They told me I was nuts.... But they'll see - they'll all see! I'll show them who the psychotic ones are! They think I can't cure the common cold? Then I'll just use the cold to my advantage! So swears GESUNDHEIT!
EXT. NUCLEAR PAD
Bob and Bippy walk up to the pad. Bob snaps his fingers and points to a house.
BOB
Our evil villain must be in there!
BIPPY
No, he's in the pad itself.
Bippy points up toward the pad.
BOB
What? How do you know?
BIPPY
Footprints.
Bippy points to footprints on the ground.
BIPPY
They're flaming - only a villain can leave flaming footprints.
BOB
Or someone on fire!
BIPPY
No.
BOB
Okay, so Shaper's in the tower?
BIPPY
It's a new villain! Not Shaper!
BOB (smiling)
Are you sure?
BIPPY
Yes!
BOB
Oh.
Bob sneezes.
BIPPY
Still, I doubt we can just storm his palace....
BOB
Let's try dressing up as an elephant again.
BIPPY
Considering how that turned out last time?
BOB
How did that turn out last time?
BIPPY
I.... don't know....
Bob and Bippy contemplate for a few moments. Then....
BOB
Hey look! Shovels!
INT. UNDERGROUND
Bob and Bippy are tunnelling underground with shovels.
BIPPY
Amazing. By all laws of physics, this should be taking months, and yet, strangely, time has stopped - we've dug ninety degrees in minutes. The space-time continuum is bending around us. Paradox after paradox - E may equal half of MC(squared), or a quarter, or a tenth! Nothing makes sense anymore!
BOB
Bippy....
BIPPY
What? Oh, yeah - dig.
INT. NUCLEAR PAD
Gesundheit looks at a monitor.
GESUNDHEIT
Hm.... Intruders.... Good thing this radar detects in all directions - send out the hounds!
He presses a button.
INT. UNDERGROUND
Suddenly, Bippy's shovel hits metal.
BOB
Oh no! It's our arch-nemesis - the floor! How can we shovel through tha- What's that, Bippy?
Bippy is hooking up a bomb on the floor.
BIPPY
What? Oh, just a high-frequency detecting calorimeter. Uh, you might wanna step back.
BOB
Why?
BIPPY
Why not?
BOB
Who am I?
BIPPY
Bob.
BOB
Bob who?
BIPPY
Let's not get into that again.
They step back, and Bippy uses a whistle. The floor blows up.
BOB
Cool!
Bob and Bippy climb through the hole into -
INT. NUCLEAR PAD FLOOR
Bob sneezes.
BIPPY
Now, the new villain should be at the top.
Just then, three hounds come in and surround Bob and Bippy.
BOB
Puppies!
BIPPY
Not puppies - hounds! And they're out for our meat!
BOB
Oh, it's fine - you accounted for everything!
Bippy gives Bob a look.
BOB
You did account for everything, didn't you?
BIPPY
Bob....
BOB
Good.
BIPPY
Wait - this is a no-brainer! Dogs are sensitive to high-frequency sounds
Bippy takes out the whistle again, blows into it, and the hounds run away.
BOB (sneezing)
Yeah! We're invulnerable! Like Superman!
BIPPY
Well, actually, we're using gadgets, so we're more like Batman or James Bond....
BOB
It's James Bob!
Bob starts making poses.
BIPPY
Bob, we're on a mission right now....
Bob continues making poses and pretends to fight Bippy.
BIPPY
Bob!
Bob knocks the whistle out of Bippy's hand. The hounds come back.
BOB
But.... I'm James Bob....
BIPPY
Just shut up.
Bob sneezes.
HOUND 1
Stupid Man sneeze. Master will be pleased.
HOUND 2
Yes, Master will be very pleased indeed.
BIPPY
Wait, you guys can talk?
HOUND 3
What's wrong with that?
BIPPY
Nothing, I guess....
INT. NUCLEAR PAD
HOUND 1 runs up to Gesundheit, and starts jumping on him and licking his face.
GESUNDHEIT
Okay, okay, that's enough, Hound 1! Where's Hound 2 and Hound 3? And what about the intruders?
HOUND 1
Stupid Man sneeze!
GESUNDHEIT
Stupid Man? Wait, one of them sneezed? Sweet! Bring him in here!
HOUND 2 and HOUND 3 drag in Bob and Bippy.
BIPPY
What do you want from us, villain?
Bob sneezes.
GESUNDHEIT
That!
Bob sneezes.
GESUNDHEIT
Yes! I can feel my power growing! Growing! GROWING!!!!!
BIPPY
What....?
Bob sneezes.
GESUNDHEIT
Yes! Yes! YES!!!!!
Bob sneezes.
GESUNDHEIT
Okay, that's enough! I can't even handle this power myself! Don't wanna, y'know, accidentally destroy the world or anything.... I want to do it on purpose!
BIPPY
Oh no! New villain gets his power from other people sneezing!
GESUNDHEIT
Now that hurt my feelings! This "new villain" has a name, y'know!
BIPPY
Uh.... Sorry? You never told me your name....
GESUNDHEIT
Ah, yes, let me apologize. My name is -
Bob sneezes.
GESUNDHEIT
Gesundheit!
BOB
Thank you.
GESUNDHEIT
No, that's my name!
BIPPY
Wow.... That's even worse than Shaper....
BOB
What can he do?
BIPPY
Build sand castles.
GESUNDHEIT
Wow, that is pretty lame....
BOB
He was a big fat cheater! Ah-choo!
BIPPY
Gesundheit -
BOB
Thank you!
BIPPY
Not you! Gesundheit, I have just one question: What kind of power do sneezes give you?
GESUNDHEIT
Well, I suppose that since you won't live long enough for it to matter anyway....
BIPPY
I figured you'd say that....
GESUNDHEIT
I can make people sneeze!
BIPPY
....
Bob sneezes.
BIPPY
Gesundheit.
GESUNDHEIT
Yes?
Bob sneezes.
BIPPY
Gesundheit.
GESUNDHEIT
Yes?
Bob sneezes.
BIPPY
Gesundheit.
GESUNDHEIT
Yes?
Bob sneezes.
BIPPY
Gesundheit.
GESUNDHEIT
Yes?
Bob sneezes.
BIPPY
Gesundheit.
GESUNDHEIT
Yes?
Bob sneezes.
BIPPY
Gesundheit.
GESUNDHEIT
Yes?
BIPPY
Shut up already!
GESUNDHEIT
Very well - Hounds! Tie them up!
HOUND 1
Okay, Master!
HOUND 2
Anything for you, Master!
HOUND 3
Stupid Man and Monkey-Man will indeed be tied up!
HOUND 1
When we're through with them!
HOUND 2
And we will be soon!
HOUND 3
Yes, very soon!
Hounds lead Bob and Bippy away. Bob sneezes.
BIPPY
Gesundheit.
GESUNDHEIT
Yes?
INT. PRISON CELL
Bob and Bippy are sitting back-to-back in wooden chairs on a thin pedestal. Below, boiling-hot mucus is slowly rising.
BIPPY
This is worse than The Things They Carried....
BOB
What'd they carry?
BIPPY
Never mind.
Bob sneezes.
BIPPY
Bob.
BOB
Yes, Bippy?
BIPPY
Every time you sneeze, the level rises a millimeter higher.
BOB
It does?
BIPPY
Of course - you're adding mucus to the mucus-pit!
BOB
What if I cover my nose?
BIPPY
Would you?
BOB
Would I what?
BIPPY
Cover your nose?
BOB
Why?
BIPPY
To stop the mucus-level from rising.
BOB
How?
BIPPY
By covering your nose.
BOB
Ooooooooh.
Bob sneezes.
BIPPY
Did you cover your nose?
BOB
Why would I do that?
Bob sneezes.
BIPPY
How about now?
BOB
How about now what?
BIPPY
Did you cover your nose?
BOB
When?
BIPPY
When you sneezed.
BOB
Why would I do that?
Bob sneezes.
BIPPY
This conversation is painful.
BOB
It's gonna get a lot worse when that boiling-hot mucus reaches us.
Bob sneezes.
BIPPY
Stop sneezing.
BOB
I'll try.
Bob sneezes.
BIPPY
Why are you sneezing?
BOB
You dumped a bucket of water over my head.
Pause.
BIPPY
Oh.
Bob sneezes.
BIPPY
Stop sneezing.
BOB
I'll try.
Bob sneezes.
BIPPY
Stop sneezing.
BOB
I'll try.
Bob sneezes.
BIPPY
Please?
BOB
Please what?
BIPPY
Stop sneezing.
BOB
I'll try.
Bob sneezes.
BIPPY
This is insulting!
BOB
What?
BIPPY
That my species evolved into yours! I mean, one would think that the better species would be at top, that natural selection and survival of the fittest would ensure evolution to move forward, yet somehow, it's reversed - rotated 180 degrees - and now, WE turned into YOU? Preposterous! I mean, okay, yeah, TECHNICALLY we just share a common ancestor -
BOB
Really?
BIPPY
YES! But the buffoons like you don't think that, so you all think you're above and mock how we scratch our butts and throw our poop, but we all know that humans are no better! Studies show that you scratch your butts and throw your poop twice as much!
BOB
Me specifically or -?
BIPPY
Stop interrupting! You wanna know why they invited me to that space launch that day instead of a human? It's because I'm smarter than any human and - and - and.... You stopped sneezing....
Bob sneezes.
BOB
Just kidding!
BIPPY
Bob, do you know what this means?
Pause.
BOB
No.
BIPPY
I don't care - we need to find a way out of this knot!
BOB
How'd we get stuck like this again?
BIPPY
Hounds.
BOB
Hounds can tie a knot?
The rope falls off, as it was never tied.
BIPPY
.... Not a word....
INT. NUCLEAR PAD
Gesundheit is petting his Hounds.
HOUND 1
Oh, thank you, Master! Thank you!
GESUNDHEIT
Shut up, Hound 1. Now, my plan is nearly complete.... The President is almost ready to hand me over that hospital I asked for (and, considering that millions of New Yorker lives are at stake, I'm surprised he didn't give in sooner), and then, I'll make everyone sneeze! And then, everyone will catch the cold! And then, everyone will be sick! And then, everyone will be sneezing! And then, everyone will be contagious! And then, I'll get more power! And then, more people will sneeze! And then.... uh....
HOUND 2
Something about Cure, Master?
GESUNDHEIT
OH YES! And then, they'll desperate for the cure! And then, they'll have no choice but to try MY cure! And then, it will work! And then, they won't be able to laugh at me anymore! And then, I'll make people sneeze! And then, they'll laugh at me again! And then.... wait a minute....
HOUND 3
Don't make sneeze - make millions!
GESUNDHEIT
YES!!!!!!!!!!!!! And a bit earlier, I WON'T make people sneeze! And then, they won't laugh at me! And then, they'll all buy my cure! And then, I'll make millions! And then, I'll use those millions to.... uh....
HOUND 1
You never got this far, Master.
HOUND 2
Much better than usual.
HOUND 3
Good job, Master!
GESUNDHEIT
But what then??
HOUND 1
Destroy the world?
GESUNDHEIT
Why not?
HOUND 2
But....
HOUND 3 (growling)
Don't question Master!
Bob and Bippy arrive.
BOB
There you are, Bub and Boppy!
BIPPY
No, Bob - new villain. (to Gesundheit) He can never get a grasp on the idea....
GESUNDHEIT
What? You! How did you escape?
BOB
We -
BIPPY (cutting him off)
- aren't about to tell you!
GESUNDHEIT
Very well, it matters not.... Now - SNEEZE!! SNEEZE LIKE YOU'VE NEVER SNEEZED BEFORE!
BIPPY
No.
GESUNDHEIT
Gasp! But how?
BIPPY
Sorry, Gesundheit - but our sinuses are clear!
GESUNDHEIT
No! Hounds, sick 'em!
BOB
Puppies!
HOUND 1
I am not Puppy! I am ferocious!
HOUND 2
Grr! Rawr!
HOUND 3
Please sneeze for Master!
BOB
Okay!
Bob snee-
BIPPY
Cover your nose!
Bob covers his nose.
GESUNDHEIT
Oh no! The covered sneeze! My powers.... draining!
BIPPY
That's the worst weakness I've ever heard....
GESUNDHEIT
Hounds! Attack!
HOUND 1
We are!
HOUND 2
Attack with tongue!
HOUND 3
Lick to death!
Gesundheit looks at Bob, to see him rolling on the ground, laughing - all three hounds are licking him.
BOB
Stop! It tickles!
BIPPY
You forgot to train them to attack?
GESUNDHEIT
It was hard enough to teach them to tie a knot....
BIPPY
Yeah.... About that....
NARRATOR
And so, another day in the life of Bob and Bippy comes to an end! Gesundheit goes to jail, Bob and Bippy go home, and the Hounds get adopted by loving, caring owners - like this security guard.
HOUND 1
Hi, New Master!
GUARD
Oh my God! A talking Hound!
NARRATOR
And, in the end, Gesundheit joins the gallery of old Bob and Bippy villains playing Go Fish! behind bars....
EIHA
Hey Boppy - got any 3's?
BOPPY
Oo-ee no ah!
Bub sneezes.
SUH-PHINX
Gesundheit.
GESUNDHEIT
Yes?
INT. LIVING ROOM
BOB is sitting slouched in an armchair, mouth slightly open (drool dripping out), eyes lazily staring at the TV. A monkey, BIPPY, walks down the stairs in the background, goes over to Bob, takes one look at the TV, then turns to Bob.
BIPPY
We have a new mission.
Bob keeps staring at the TV, completely ignoring Bippy.
BIPPY
Bob? Hello? Anyone home?
Bob lazily waves Bippy away without turning. Bippy, clearly annoyed, walks up to the TV and turns it off.
BIPPY (yelling)
Bob!
Bob continues to stare at the blank TV without shifting position. Bippy, frustrated walks into the kitchen. When he returns a minute later, Bob is still in the same position. Bippy dumps a bucket of cold water over Bob's head, and Bob leaps into the air.
BOB
Coldcoldcoldcoldcold!!!!
BIPPY
We have a new mission.
BOB
Sweet!
NARRATOR
Bob, an incredibly lame detective with an IQ of 80, and Bippy, the supersmart intergalactic spacemonkey, team up to form the kick-butt team known only as Bob and Bippy!
BOB (sneezing)
So what's the mission?
BIPPY
Some new supervillain took over a nuclear missile pad and is threatening to blow up half of New York if he isn't given absolute control of something or another.
BOB
Eiha?
BIPPY
No, a new villain.
BOB
Suh-phinx?
BIPPY
No, a new villain.
BOB
Vanilla?
BIPPY
You had to go there....
EXT. NUCLEAR PAD
Bob and Bippy approach the gate, and an armed GUARD stops them.
GUARD
State your name and purpose.
BIPPY
Hi, I'm -
GUARD
Oh my god! A talking monkey! You can go.
INT. NUCLEAR PAD
A villain lurks in the shadows, his face obscured.
They told me I was crazy.... They told me I was mad.... They told me I was insane.... They told me I was out of my mind.... They told me I was wonkers.... They told I was dropped on my head.... They told me I was nuts.... But they'll see - they'll all see! I'll show them who the psychotic ones are! They think I can't cure the common cold? Then I'll just use the cold to my advantage! So swears GESUNDHEIT!
EXT. NUCLEAR PAD
Bob and Bippy walk up to the pad. Bob snaps his fingers and points to a house.
BOB
Our evil villain must be in there!
BIPPY
No, he's in the pad itself.
Bippy points up toward the pad.
BOB
What? How do you know?
BIPPY
Footprints.
Bippy points to footprints on the ground.
BIPPY
They're flaming - only a villain can leave flaming footprints.
BOB
Or someone on fire!
BIPPY
No.
BOB
Okay, so Shaper's in the tower?
BIPPY
It's a new villain! Not Shaper!
BOB (smiling)
Are you sure?
BIPPY
Yes!
BOB
Oh.
Bob sneezes.
BIPPY
Still, I doubt we can just storm his palace....
BOB
Let's try dressing up as an elephant again.
BIPPY
Considering how that turned out last time?
BOB
How did that turn out last time?
BIPPY
I.... don't know....
Bob and Bippy contemplate for a few moments. Then....
BOB
Hey look! Shovels!
INT. UNDERGROUND
Bob and Bippy are tunnelling underground with shovels.
BIPPY
Amazing. By all laws of physics, this should be taking months, and yet, strangely, time has stopped - we've dug ninety degrees in minutes. The space-time continuum is bending around us. Paradox after paradox - E may equal half of MC(squared), or a quarter, or a tenth! Nothing makes sense anymore!
BOB
Bippy....
BIPPY
What? Oh, yeah - dig.
INT. NUCLEAR PAD
Gesundheit looks at a monitor.
GESUNDHEIT
Hm.... Intruders.... Good thing this radar detects in all directions - send out the hounds!
He presses a button.
INT. UNDERGROUND
Suddenly, Bippy's shovel hits metal.
BOB
Oh no! It's our arch-nemesis - the floor! How can we shovel through tha- What's that, Bippy?
Bippy is hooking up a bomb on the floor.
BIPPY
What? Oh, just a high-frequency detecting calorimeter. Uh, you might wanna step back.
BOB
Why?
BIPPY
Why not?
BOB
Who am I?
BIPPY
Bob.
BOB
Bob who?
BIPPY
Let's not get into that again.
They step back, and Bippy uses a whistle. The floor blows up.
BOB
Cool!
Bob and Bippy climb through the hole into -
INT. NUCLEAR PAD FLOOR
Bob sneezes.
BIPPY
Now, the new villain should be at the top.
Just then, three hounds come in and surround Bob and Bippy.
BOB
Puppies!
BIPPY
Not puppies - hounds! And they're out for our meat!
BOB
Oh, it's fine - you accounted for everything!
Bippy gives Bob a look.
BOB
You did account for everything, didn't you?
BIPPY
Bob....
BOB
Good.
BIPPY
Wait - this is a no-brainer! Dogs are sensitive to high-frequency sounds
Bippy takes out the whistle again, blows into it, and the hounds run away.
BOB (sneezing)
Yeah! We're invulnerable! Like Superman!
BIPPY
Well, actually, we're using gadgets, so we're more like Batman or James Bond....
BOB
It's James Bob!
Bob starts making poses.
BIPPY
Bob, we're on a mission right now....
Bob continues making poses and pretends to fight Bippy.
BIPPY
Bob!
Bob knocks the whistle out of Bippy's hand. The hounds come back.
BOB
But.... I'm James Bob....
BIPPY
Just shut up.
Bob sneezes.
HOUND 1
Stupid Man sneeze. Master will be pleased.
HOUND 2
Yes, Master will be very pleased indeed.
BIPPY
Wait, you guys can talk?
HOUND 3
What's wrong with that?
BIPPY
Nothing, I guess....
INT. NUCLEAR PAD
HOUND 1 runs up to Gesundheit, and starts jumping on him and licking his face.
GESUNDHEIT
Okay, okay, that's enough, Hound 1! Where's Hound 2 and Hound 3? And what about the intruders?
HOUND 1
Stupid Man sneeze!
GESUNDHEIT
Stupid Man? Wait, one of them sneezed? Sweet! Bring him in here!
HOUND 2 and HOUND 3 drag in Bob and Bippy.
BIPPY
What do you want from us, villain?
Bob sneezes.
GESUNDHEIT
That!
Bob sneezes.
GESUNDHEIT
Yes! I can feel my power growing! Growing! GROWING!!!!!
BIPPY
What....?
Bob sneezes.
GESUNDHEIT
Yes! Yes! YES!!!!!
Bob sneezes.
GESUNDHEIT
Okay, that's enough! I can't even handle this power myself! Don't wanna, y'know, accidentally destroy the world or anything.... I want to do it on purpose!
BIPPY
Oh no! New villain gets his power from other people sneezing!
GESUNDHEIT
Now that hurt my feelings! This "new villain" has a name, y'know!
BIPPY
Uh.... Sorry? You never told me your name....
GESUNDHEIT
Ah, yes, let me apologize. My name is -
Bob sneezes.
GESUNDHEIT
Gesundheit!
BOB
Thank you.
GESUNDHEIT
No, that's my name!
BIPPY
Wow.... That's even worse than Shaper....
BOB
What can he do?
BIPPY
Build sand castles.
GESUNDHEIT
Wow, that is pretty lame....
BOB
He was a big fat cheater! Ah-choo!
BIPPY
Gesundheit -
BOB
Thank you!
BIPPY
Not you! Gesundheit, I have just one question: What kind of power do sneezes give you?
GESUNDHEIT
Well, I suppose that since you won't live long enough for it to matter anyway....
BIPPY
I figured you'd say that....
GESUNDHEIT
I can make people sneeze!
BIPPY
....
Bob sneezes.
BIPPY
Gesundheit.
GESUNDHEIT
Yes?
Bob sneezes.
BIPPY
Gesundheit.
GESUNDHEIT
Yes?
Bob sneezes.
BIPPY
Gesundheit.
GESUNDHEIT
Yes?
Bob sneezes.
BIPPY
Gesundheit.
GESUNDHEIT
Yes?
Bob sneezes.
BIPPY
Gesundheit.
GESUNDHEIT
Yes?
Bob sneezes.
BIPPY
Gesundheit.
GESUNDHEIT
Yes?
BIPPY
Shut up already!
GESUNDHEIT
Very well - Hounds! Tie them up!
HOUND 1
Okay, Master!
HOUND 2
Anything for you, Master!
HOUND 3
Stupid Man and Monkey-Man will indeed be tied up!
HOUND 1
When we're through with them!
HOUND 2
And we will be soon!
HOUND 3
Yes, very soon!
Hounds lead Bob and Bippy away. Bob sneezes.
BIPPY
Gesundheit.
GESUNDHEIT
Yes?
INT. PRISON CELL
Bob and Bippy are sitting back-to-back in wooden chairs on a thin pedestal. Below, boiling-hot mucus is slowly rising.
BIPPY
This is worse than The Things They Carried....
BOB
What'd they carry?
BIPPY
Never mind.
Bob sneezes.
BIPPY
Bob.
BOB
Yes, Bippy?
BIPPY
Every time you sneeze, the level rises a millimeter higher.
BOB
It does?
BIPPY
Of course - you're adding mucus to the mucus-pit!
BOB
What if I cover my nose?
BIPPY
Would you?
BOB
Would I what?
BIPPY
Cover your nose?
BOB
Why?
BIPPY
To stop the mucus-level from rising.
BOB
How?
BIPPY
By covering your nose.
BOB
Ooooooooh.
Bob sneezes.
BIPPY
Did you cover your nose?
BOB
Why would I do that?
Bob sneezes.
BIPPY
How about now?
BOB
How about now what?
BIPPY
Did you cover your nose?
BOB
When?
BIPPY
When you sneezed.
BOB
Why would I do that?
Bob sneezes.
BIPPY
This conversation is painful.
BOB
It's gonna get a lot worse when that boiling-hot mucus reaches us.
Bob sneezes.
BIPPY
Stop sneezing.
BOB
I'll try.
Bob sneezes.
BIPPY
Why are you sneezing?
BOB
You dumped a bucket of water over my head.
Pause.
BIPPY
Oh.
Bob sneezes.
BIPPY
Stop sneezing.
BOB
I'll try.
Bob sneezes.
BIPPY
Stop sneezing.
BOB
I'll try.
Bob sneezes.
BIPPY
Please?
BOB
Please what?
BIPPY
Stop sneezing.
BOB
I'll try.
Bob sneezes.
BIPPY
This is insulting!
BOB
What?
BIPPY
That my species evolved into yours! I mean, one would think that the better species would be at top, that natural selection and survival of the fittest would ensure evolution to move forward, yet somehow, it's reversed - rotated 180 degrees - and now, WE turned into YOU? Preposterous! I mean, okay, yeah, TECHNICALLY we just share a common ancestor -
BOB
Really?
BIPPY
YES! But the buffoons like you don't think that, so you all think you're above and mock how we scratch our butts and throw our poop, but we all know that humans are no better! Studies show that you scratch your butts and throw your poop twice as much!
BOB
Me specifically or -?
BIPPY
Stop interrupting! You wanna know why they invited me to that space launch that day instead of a human? It's because I'm smarter than any human and - and - and.... You stopped sneezing....
Bob sneezes.
BOB
Just kidding!
BIPPY
Bob, do you know what this means?
Pause.
BOB
No.
BIPPY
I don't care - we need to find a way out of this knot!
BOB
How'd we get stuck like this again?
BIPPY
Hounds.
BOB
Hounds can tie a knot?
The rope falls off, as it was never tied.
BIPPY
.... Not a word....
INT. NUCLEAR PAD
Gesundheit is petting his Hounds.
HOUND 1
Oh, thank you, Master! Thank you!
GESUNDHEIT
Shut up, Hound 1. Now, my plan is nearly complete.... The President is almost ready to hand me over that hospital I asked for (and, considering that millions of New Yorker lives are at stake, I'm surprised he didn't give in sooner), and then, I'll make everyone sneeze! And then, everyone will catch the cold! And then, everyone will be sick! And then, everyone will be sneezing! And then, everyone will be contagious! And then, I'll get more power! And then, more people will sneeze! And then.... uh....
HOUND 2
Something about Cure, Master?
GESUNDHEIT
OH YES! And then, they'll desperate for the cure! And then, they'll have no choice but to try MY cure! And then, it will work! And then, they won't be able to laugh at me anymore! And then, I'll make people sneeze! And then, they'll laugh at me again! And then.... wait a minute....
HOUND 3
Don't make sneeze - make millions!
GESUNDHEIT
YES!!!!!!!!!!!!! And a bit earlier, I WON'T make people sneeze! And then, they won't laugh at me! And then, they'll all buy my cure! And then, I'll make millions! And then, I'll use those millions to.... uh....
HOUND 1
You never got this far, Master.
HOUND 2
Much better than usual.
HOUND 3
Good job, Master!
GESUNDHEIT
But what then??
HOUND 1
Destroy the world?
GESUNDHEIT
Why not?
HOUND 2
But....
HOUND 3 (growling)
Don't question Master!
Bob and Bippy arrive.
BOB
There you are, Bub and Boppy!
BIPPY
No, Bob - new villain. (to Gesundheit) He can never get a grasp on the idea....
GESUNDHEIT
What? You! How did you escape?
BOB
We -
BIPPY (cutting him off)
- aren't about to tell you!
GESUNDHEIT
Very well, it matters not.... Now - SNEEZE!! SNEEZE LIKE YOU'VE NEVER SNEEZED BEFORE!
BIPPY
No.
GESUNDHEIT
Gasp! But how?
BIPPY
Sorry, Gesundheit - but our sinuses are clear!
GESUNDHEIT
No! Hounds, sick 'em!
BOB
Puppies!
HOUND 1
I am not Puppy! I am ferocious!
HOUND 2
Grr! Rawr!
HOUND 3
Please sneeze for Master!
BOB
Okay!
Bob snee-
BIPPY
Cover your nose!
Bob covers his nose.
GESUNDHEIT
Oh no! The covered sneeze! My powers.... draining!
BIPPY
That's the worst weakness I've ever heard....
GESUNDHEIT
Hounds! Attack!
HOUND 1
We are!
HOUND 2
Attack with tongue!
HOUND 3
Lick to death!
Gesundheit looks at Bob, to see him rolling on the ground, laughing - all three hounds are licking him.
BOB
Stop! It tickles!
BIPPY
You forgot to train them to attack?
GESUNDHEIT
It was hard enough to teach them to tie a knot....
BIPPY
Yeah.... About that....
NARRATOR
And so, another day in the life of Bob and Bippy comes to an end! Gesundheit goes to jail, Bob and Bippy go home, and the Hounds get adopted by loving, caring owners - like this security guard.
HOUND 1
Hi, New Master!
GUARD
Oh my God! A talking Hound!
NARRATOR
And, in the end, Gesundheit joins the gallery of old Bob and Bippy villains playing Go Fish! behind bars....
EIHA
Hey Boppy - got any 3's?
BOPPY
Oo-ee no ah!
Bub sneezes.
SUH-PHINX
Gesundheit.
GESUNDHEIT
Yes?
