Okay, I have to write this. Obviously, all names but mine are forged.
JUST ANOTHER TECH IN THE PIT, a true story
INT. Pit - the room underneath the stage where wood for set-building is stored, piles of wood are everywhere, with a bed known as "the sex couch" in-between two of the piles.
DBJ is lying on the sex couch, FEY is sitting in a couch at the foot of the couch, and TOM is standing around it. ROBERT is up front, checking to see that everything looks good, while ARIELLA is in the back of the Pit, doing very hard physical labor all by herself.
ROBERT
It looks good, but I think we need to move this plastic banister that shouldn't be here.
DBJ
Fey, you know where the railings are, right?
FEY
Yeah.
DBJ
Take that railing and put it with the others.
Fey gets up, takes the railing, and comes over to the sex couch.
DBJ
No! Not here! There! Where I'm pointing!
Fey eventually gets it and goes into the aisle.
DBJ (relaxing)
I'm the king of the Pit! The Pit is Hell! I'm the king of Hell! I'm Satan!
ROBERT (coming over)
You're Mephisto, which means you're Joe Quesada.
Robert tries to run away as DBJ leaps up, grabs the dustpan, chases after Robert, pins him to the wall, and starts pounding him with the dustpan.
DBJ (furious)
I am Dustpan-Man!!!
ROBERT
No you're not! You're Joe Quesada!
DBJ
Take that back!! You know who you are - you're Jeph Loeb, that's who!
ROBERT (laughing)
No I'm not! I'm Steve Whacker, dammit!
DBJ
Very well - you're Dan Slott!!
ROBERT
How dare you! Dan Slott's an a******!
DBJ
Exactly!
DBJ, feeling accomplished, calms down, tosses the dustpan aside, and walks back toward the sex couch, where Fey has now stolen his spot.
FEY
Who's Dan Slott?
ROBERT
Long story. He's a writer - I had a fight with him. Hey, David, remember that staircase Colin broke earlier?
DBJ
Oh, yeah.
ROBERT
What are we going to do with it?
DBJ (seeing a chance to get his spot back)
Fey, can you clean up the mess Colin made for us, considering your prior relations with him?
Fey freaks out and everyone gapes.
FEY
I cannot believe you just said that!!!
TOM
And coming from him!
(Author's Note: You don't want to know.)FEY
What do I do with it?
DBJ
Just put it in there.
DBJ points to a pile of lumber.
ROBERT
What? Are you crazy?
DBJ
That's a garbage pile, remember?
ROBERT
Oh yeah....
DBJ
Duh!
Fey gets up to pick up the staircase with Robert, as DBJ jumps back into the sex couch and starts playing with the tape measure.
TOM
Having fun with that tape measure?
DBJ
Oh yeah, loads.
FEY
Cut that out!
ROBERT
David, stop playing with the tape measure.
DBJ keeps playing with the tape measure.
ROBERT
Keep putting the wood in there, Fey.
TOM
That's what she said!
FEY (freaking out)
Shut up already!
DBJ
Oh, c'mon - you're laughing!
As Fey and Robert finish putting away the staircase, Fey sits down at the foot of the sex couch. DBJ now begins to take out the tape measure and stretch it very far.
TOM
What are you doing?
DBJ
I'm trying to see if I can reach that pipe.
Fey freaks out some more.
TOM
Hey, are you all right?
FEY (freaking out)
I'm fine!!!
The tape measure cracks and falls. DBJ reels it in as Fey freaks out some more.
TOM
Are you laughing or crying?
ROBERT
Hey, I need to find some wood, can someone help me?
DBJ
Fey, go help Robert with his wood.
Tom cracks up as Fey goes ballistic.
ROBERT
Well, technically, it's Jack's wood....
DBJ
Even better! Go help him with Jack's wood!
Fey, freaking out, goes to help with Jack's wood.
DBJ
I mean, come on, does it really make a difference whose wood it is?
ARIELLA (yelling)
Hey! Can someone help me out back here! I'm going to die!
DBJ
Tom, go help her.
TOM (begrudgingly)
Fine....
Tom leaves for a moment as Fey comes back.
FEY (seriously freaking out right now)
I am seriously freaking out right now!
DBJ
I can't tell if you're laughing or crying....
ROBERT
That's what she said!
FEY
Shut up!
ROBERT
Well, I'm apparently Dan Slott, so....
DBJ (pointing)
Hey Fey, can you put away those bricks right there?
Fey gets up and takes the bricks, wondering where to put them.
DBJ
Put them with the rest of the bricks, next to the garbage pile.
Fey puts them in the garbage pile as Tom returns.
DBJ
No! See how there's a huge chunk of wood in-between the bricks and the lumber? Put it with the bricks!
ROBERT
Take it out and put it back again!
TOM
That's what she said!
FEY
Shut up!!
DBJ
Poor Ariella.... She's missing this entire episode!
Robert takes the bricks and puts them away. DBJ resumes trying to reach the pipe with his tape measure as Fey takes out a stress ball.
TOM
Hey, is this about me turning on my lighter earlier?
FEY
No!
TOM
Really?
DBJ
By the way, uh, don't do that - there's wood all around us.
ROBERT
That's what she said!
Fey freaks out. The tape measure cracks. Fey freaks out again.
TOM
Your stick's a bit floppy....
ROBERT
That's what she said!
FEY (freaking out and squeezing her stress ball)
Stop it already!
ROBERT
Just squeeze the stress ball.
TOM
That's what she said!
FEY
Will you guys please just cut it out!
DBJ
Uh.... About that....
Fey turns to DBJ to see that he now has the tape measure ejected slightly, turned upside down, and placed near his crotch area. She buries her head in her hands.
TOM
Okay, seriously, what's going on?
DBJ
I have no idea.... There's gotta be a name for this - a phobia of sex. They have a phobia for everything.
TOM
Who would be afraid of sex?
DBJ
Good question.
TOM
By the way, how you doing with your spider thing?
DBJ
Well, I can say the word spider now.
TOM
Well, yeah, but what if you run into one?
DBJ
Depends. At most, I'll usually just run away.
TOM
So what about pictures?
DBJ
Also depends.
TOM
On the detail?
DBJ
That, and the occasion. Like the one in Lord of the Rings was really freaky, but I knew it was coming, so I was fine.
TOM
What about Aragog in Chamber of Secrets?
DBJ
I close my eyes.
TOM
Yeah, those things were huge!
ROBERT
That's what she said!
FEY (freaking out)
This is seriously freaking me out!
ROBERT
What is?
DBJ
Our sexual innuendos?
ROBERT
Dude, you said that wrong. It's innuendo.
DBJ
That's what I said.... Innuendo....
ROBERT
Oh. I thought you said innendo.
FEY
This whole day!
DBJ
As in, just this, or did something else happen?
FEY
I don't want to talk about it!
Shock.
TOM
She's having her period.
FEY (freaking out)
I am so going to kill all of you tomorrow!
ARIELLA (shouting)
What the hell is a door doing back here??
DBJ
I don't know - put it away!
ARIELLA
I can't!
DBJ
Tom, go help her put it away.
Tom, annoyed, gets up again.
ROBERT
You know, there's something I could say right now, but I won't.
FEY
What?
ROBERT
No - it's mean.
DBJ
C'mon, Robert! Just say it!
ROBERT
No, no - I shouldn't. It's so great, but I shouldn't.
Tom comes back.
TOM
What's going on?
ROBERT
There's something really good I could say right now, but I won't!
TOM
Why not?
ROBERT
It's mean!
TOM
So?
DBJ
Just do it!
FEY
Hey!
ROBERT
Okay, fine - you said you're going to kill us. You're going to kill us by the dressing rooms.
Robert walks away, leaving everyone else dumbfounded.
DBJ
That was it?? You hyped it up so much, and it wasn't even funny!
Robert comes back.
ROBERT
I feel bad. Are you okay, Fey?
DBJ
Seriously, that was just stupid! It wasn't even clever!
FEY
That was so mean!
DBJ
What? If you're gonna insult someone, you might as well be clever about it! This is more clever than that!
DBJ takes a piece of wood from the pile and puts it by his crotch.
FEY (still using her stress ball)
Stop that!
ROBERT
Okay, are you all right? I feel bad.... I think that was the meanest thing I've ever done....
DBJ
I've done meaner.
Robert's phone goes off, and he goes to get a better connection. Tom, meanwhile, disappears for no apparent reason whatsoever.
FEY
You're probably wondering what I'm on right now.
DBJ
Yes.
Awkward silence ensues as DBJ holds the metal end of the tape measure and starts swinging the plastic end out of sheer boredom.
DBJ
I just realized the sexual connotation behind this.
Fey freaks out. DBJ keeps playing with the tape measure.
DBJ
Do you need to go the bathroom or something?
Fey freaks out.
DBJ
Whoops....
Fey gets a text.
FEY
Oh no!
DBJ
What now?
FEY
My dad just texted me "now!"
DBJ
Um.... what....?
FEY (freaking out)
He texted me "now!"
DBJ
What does that even mean?? Is there some sexual connotation to "now" that I don't know about or something?
FEY
Oh my god! What am I going to do!
DBJ
What's going on??
FEY
Can you text my dad -
DBJ
Hold on - Robert!
ROBERT (coming back)
Yes?
DBJ
This is your department.
FEY
I need you to text my dad! Oh my god!!! Now he texted me "Are you ready?"
DBJ
What's the big deal? Is he here or something?
FEY
Yes! Can you text him that we're still working and to give me a few extra minutes!
ROBERT
Yeah, okay.
Robert does that.
DBJ
We'd better go the bathroom and wash you up.
FEY
Shut up!
DBJ (standing up)
That was not meant as an innuendo! I mean, c'mon! You can make anything into an innuendo! Like.... "Come into my pillow!" In fact, yeah, that's very sexual....
FEY
Shut up! I'm getting numb!
DBJ
You are? Okay, just stand up. That's the first step. Hey Robert, can you keep the fort here while I take care of Fey?
ROBERT
My dad's here.
DBJ
Oh, bleep. Fine. Go.
Robert goes upstairs. DBJ goes into the back of the Pit to find Ariella and Tom.
DBJ
Hey, will you guys be all right for a minute while I take care of Fey?
TOM
I'm leaving.
DBJ
Dammit!
DBJ runs over to the stairs.
DBJ
Robert!
Robert comes back.
ROBERT
Yes?
DBJ
I can't leave Ariella by herself - can't you just wait a few minutes?
ROBERT
Fine....
DBJ goes back to Fey.
DBJ
Okay, now stand up.
Fey finally stands up.
DBJ
Okay? You good? You can stand, right?
FEY
Yeah, I'm a bit dizzy though.
DBJ
What? Okay, watch my finger. No, my finger. My finger!
DBJ holds out his finger and moves it slowly as Fey attempts to follow up.
DBJ
This is a method to help you focus which I just made up two seconds ago. But you never know - maybe it'll work.
FEY
It's working.
DBJ
Seriously?? Awesome! I found a cure for dizziness! Now I feel like some sort of medicinal revolutionary! But I don't want to be a doctor....
Fey takes her purse and drops her phone.
DBJ
You broke your phone again??
FEY
Shut up!
Tom comes over as DBJ picks up the phone and tries to figure out why the case doesn't close around it.
DBJ
Whatever.
DBJ puts the phone and sort-of-case in the purse, followed by a coin which had fallen out. Another coin falls out.
DBJ
Where are these coming from??
FEY
Keep the change.
TOM
That's what she said!
(Yeah, I don't get it either....)DBJ
Seriously? Awesome! I am Jewish, y'know!
DBJ zips up Fey's purse and puts it around her shoulder.
FEY
Wait! Where's my stress ball??
DBJ
I don't know - is it over there?
FEY
I think it's in my purse - check!
DBJ opens the purse, takes out the stress ball, and closes the purse.
DBJ
Here. Keep it in your hand.
FEY
Where's my coat?
DBJ
How am I supposed to know?
FEY
Ariella, is my coat back there?
ARIELLA
No. Hey Robert, I'm mad at you.
ROBERT (offended)
Why?
ARIELLA
I don't know.
DBJ, Fey, and Tom walk upstairs, where they run into the program director, PAL.
PAL
Close up the Pit!
DBJ (wondering what time it is anyway)
Oh, uh, okay....
FEY
I think my coat's in the room!
DBJ
Are you any less numb now?
FEY
My thumb's good.
DBJ
C'mon, just move it! Big toe!
TOM
Hey! Kill Bill!
DBJ
Yup, I remember that!
TOM
I'm gonna peace - later.
Tom leaves. Ariella is now standing by the front door.
ARIELLA
Hey, DBJ, you need a ride?
DBJ
Yes, please!
ARIELLA
Okay, my mom's waiting outside. I'll tell her to wait for you.
DBJ
Oh.... Well, in that case, forget it - I don't know how long this'll be!
DBJ and Fey walk toward the room.
FEY
You guys are such jerks!
DBJ
Hey, I was the only one who didn't say "That's what she said!"
FEY
Yeah - you were worse!
DBJ
Exactly! I made sure that my jokes were a bit more clever and original than that!
As DBJ and Fey approach the room, Jason and Andy walk on.
JASON
Suck my -
DBJ
Not helping!
ANDY
What's wrong with her?
FEY
I'm freaking out! I practically fainted in the Pit! And my dad is here!
JASON
Oh my god! Feel better, baby!
They both hug her, leaving DBJ dumbfounded as he leads Fey into the room.
FEY
There's my stuff!
Fey puts down her stress ball as she puts on her coat.... sort of.... and sits down.
DBJ (trying to make any innuendos)
Okay, uh, you should probably go to the bathroom now. Stand up.
FEY (not standing up)
Okay.
DBJ
Seriously - as a completely unqualified doctor, I'm telling you that you need to stand up!
Fey stands up.
DBJ
Okay, now take your stress.... toy....
Fey freaks out.
DBJ
I'm trying! But this is impossible!
FEY
Oh, sure! Just play with your stress toy!
DBJ
Yes, fine, play with your stress toy! Now, you should really go to the bathroom to make yourself more presentable. How's your numbness, by the way?
FEY
The one hand's good, but the one without the stress ball is still numb.
DBJ
Then switch hands. Dammit!
Fey starts to leave the room.
DBJ
Uh.... Bathroom's this way....
FEY
I'm getting a drink of water.
DBJ
Okay.... I guess so....
Fey drinks water from a really bad water fountain and trinkles some on her finger as well.
FEY
That helped.
DBJ (resisting)
Okay, so you think you're good now?
FEY
Yeah, I'd say so.
DBJ
All presentable and stuff?
FEY
Yeah, I'm good.
DBJ
Okay, where are your folks?
FEY
Out front.
DBJ and Fey go to the front door.
DBJ
You know I have to write all this down, right?
FEY
Yup.
He lets her out.
DBJ
Have a safe ride.
Fey doesn't notice that one. As DBJ walks away, he watches as the door shuts behind him, then turns, without a ride home, to the ghost-empty hall in front of him and shouts out:
DBJ
What the hell just happened?
?